Friends and family tried to support us at the time and in the coming months, but had trouble doing so while either grieving themselves or finding it hard to understand what we were going through.

After having undergone an amniocentesis, I developed a severe uterine infection. I was hospitalized in an effort to overcome the infection. About two weeks later, I was called in to the senior doctor’s office, and was told that the baby’s condition was severe, and even posed a real danger to my life. The recommendation was unequivocal: terminate the pregnancy.

At 31 weeks gestation, I gave birth to a baby girl, who ultimately did not make it into this world alive. I held her in my arms and kissed her head. She was small but complete, a real baby who had lived and grown inside me for 31 weeks.

We did a lot of tests, and we realized at a certain point that the pregnancy had to be terminated. It was an impossible decision. For me, the Candles of Hope workshop was a weekly anchor of sharing, an opportunity to remember the pain in the company of other women who know the most painful point in it, a place to really confront and acknowledge our pain, and a place of growing compassion.

I remember when we were on our way to the hospital. I really did not realize at all that this was an option. I was terribly anxious about everything, but not about this. It is also possible through zoom, to hurt together, to feel understood, to find new sisters, to make space to process everything that I’m going through and that I feel inside.

Other than the hospital staff, which did their best, there was no one to assist me emotionally or help me make decisions such as – whether to bury him with other baby’s or request our own funeral, to see him and part with him, how to return home empty handed and more… I had to cope inward – into the heart-ache and empty belly; and outward – to the things that friends said or their silence.